Once upon a time there was a girl named Michelle. She lived a happy life with her family and friends, and most of all, a fiancé who loved her and whom she loved deeply. That part is actually not really relevant to the story, but is meant to incite an “Awww” reaction so that you identify with Michelle’s character and remember her story. Anyway, when Michelle was a little girl, she loved to read. One time in the 3rd grade, she got in trouble with her teacher for hoarding 11 books in her desk from the classroom library and reading while the teacher was talking. Despite that incident, she continued to spend much of her time with her friends Encyclopedia Brown and also the girls from the Baby-sitters Club.

As she grew older, technology began to take over, and soon she found herself reading not from books, but from her new iPad 2. It was just so much easier, and yes, less expensive, to find books online. One day, she realized that for her online marketing course, ironically, she would have to purchase two hardcover books (or paperback? Whichever one was cheaper. Anyway, let’s just say she had to purchase books written on paper). Since she was living in China, the only place she’d ever known to purchase books was from the back cart of some guy’s bicycle in Sanlitun, or sometimes in Wudaokou. Not a great selection, but at 10 kuai, they were good enough for her.

Her search for the two books for class led her, inevitably, or I guess I should say “immediately,” to the Internet. After perusing the first Google results page, her eyes stopped on the words “free shipping worldwide.” Given the fact that other websites selling the books she needed required a shipping fee of at least half the price of the book, she thought this was amazing. Too good to be true. But it wasn’t. The website she found was called BetterWorldBooks.com, and she knew she had to share it with the world. Michelle and Better World Books shared a lifelong relationship after that first meeting. At least until about the year 2053, when the aliens came, spared the lives of Earth’s inhabitants, but took every book in existence so that they could educate themselves and come back at a later time to then destroy the Earth and take over the world.

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Seriously, though, check out this site before the aliens come and it’s too late. Not only is there free shipping worldwide (and the books ship in about 7-14 days internationally, which means outside of the US), but it’s a great cause as well. For every book you buy, Better World Books will donate a book to those in need through their partnerships with Books for Africa and Feed the Children. If I were a local Chinese person and assumed everything was a scam, I wouldn’t trust that a book was being donated for every one that I bought. But even if it weren’t true, what’s the worst that happens? I end up with an extra book? *GASP* But then I’d have less shelf space for my cool, retro-looking iPod speakers! Better World Books also organizes book drives through their network of over 2,300 college campuses and over 3,000 libraries nationwide. When they have a surplus of certain books that they can’t sell, they donate the books to libraries in need. Pretty cool, in my book (haha…I just got that).

Personally, from an expat point of view, I think this site is awesome mostly because it’s so hard to find certain English books in China, and also because I’m lazy and would love to be able to find books online that ship FOR FREE to China. It’s a genius idea, really. The free shipping attracts customers, and the social cause gets them to come back. Put simply, if you miss holding something other than a screen while reading, go here and buy a book. Before the only place to find a book is on Mars.

The way it really happened? I saw a handsome man working at the same hotel as me. I looked for him in the staff cafeteria every chance I could, as just a glimpse of him would make my day. A month after I first saw him, I was transferred to the Western Restaurant for a one-month rotation. During my time there, he sent mixed signals by coming off as aloof and indifferent one moment, and telling me the next moment in a very matter-of-fact manner, “You know, you’re very pretty when you smile.” (the first time he said that, I was walking behind him carrying a tray of utensils that we were about to polish, and he caught me so off-guard that my entire face turned red and I had to run back to the pantry to hide until the blushing went away. True story) During that month, we hung out in groups maybe a couple of times, and talked sometimes during work. After I left that department for another, he obtained my number from a mutual friend and texted me. We texted all that evening until I invited him out to a nearby park the next day to read with me. Was I really planning on reading outside in a park by myself in the cold January winter? No, but I found out that evening he liked reading, just like me, and as it had just snowed and was beautiful outside, I saw an opportunity and went for it =P

Although he hadn’t actually confirmed his feelings aloud to me, and wasn’t the one to ask me to hang out, I would consider that day at the park our “first date.” It wasn’t until almost a month or so later that he said to me “So…I like you, which I’m sure you know by now. What do we do now?” referring to the fact that I was leaving to go back to the US in another month. When we decided to keep dating and see where it went, I explained the concept of anniversaries and we talked about when ours would be. “What about January 15?” I suggested, as it was around the date of our “first date” (but not the exact date). I figured it was easy to remember because it was the middle of the month.

More than two years later, I’m getting ready to marry that handsome man that I saw working at the same hotel as me. Lesson learned: Nothing is ever as you imagine or plan it, because there is no “right way” to approach relationships. It’s like when you plan on making fried chicken exactly the way the recipe says to, but you improvise along the way, and then you end up with the best damn fried chicken you’ve ever had. It may be a different path, but it could end up with better results than what you imagined! I’m writing this before lunch, if you’re curious. Hence the comparison to food.

Our dumpling making station (aka my dining room table)

Last week, I had some friends over for a dumpling party to celebrate Spring Festival, or Chinese New Year. We decided to be adventurous and make our own dumpling skins by pouring water over flour little by little until it was about the right consistency to be kneaded and rolled out. Let me tell you, it’s a lot harder than it looks. The whole thing turned out to be a really fun experience. We spent a lot of time laughing at how long the dumplings turned out. They were probably about 3 times as long as they should have been. And some of the skins were thicker while others were thin and fell apart in the boiling water. All in all, it was such a great time celebrating another culture (well, it’s also part of my culture too) with friends from all over the world.

Super long dumplings

Throughout dinner, we had the annual Spring Festival gala on TV. Whether anyone was actually watching, I’m a little doubtful of. At one point, we’d been staring at the screen for 30 minutes before a friend said “You know, I just realized I have absolutely no idea what’s going on.” To which we all agreed, and hoped that we hadn’t just been brainwashed. Just kidding =) But not really. Later that night, we went out to buy fireworks. During Spring Festival, tents are set up on street corners all over Beijing and are filled with boxes and boxes of fireworks for people to buy. Like I said to my friend, “If anyone set fire to one of those tents, it’d be over.” We bought a small box, and I bought four long tubes that shoot 10 consecutive bolts of fireworks out of the end. My tubes were three bucks =D This past week has been like a war zone. Literally everywhere you walk, there are fireworks going off next to you. We took our fireworks to an intersection, where people on all corners were setting their boxes down, lighting the wicks, and running away. At one point, we looked across the street just in time to see some fireworks shooting towards us because somebody had put the box down the wrong side up. Luckily, they disappeared before actually reaching us. But it was pretty intense. Think about it. Have you ever experienced running away from fireworks that are shooting towards you? It’s almost ridiculous. Nothing that I’ve ever experienced while watching Fourth of July fireworks from miles and miles away, sitting peacefully on top of a hill.

Chinese New Year dinner with homemade jiaozi

How was your Chinese New Year? Did you get to experience cooking or eating some interesting dishes? How close did you get to death by fireworks?

I should have had more faith in him, because he went above my expectations and spent almost every minute with us, whether we were walking around Houhai in the freezing cold weather, or taking the subway 30 minutes away just to eat jiaozi. Later on that week, I was thinking, because he had agreed to spending the day with us that first day, I would have been okay if he didn’t want to come out the day after that. But I knew that if he had said “No” that first day, I would have been pretty upset (thinking to myself in true drama-queen fashion: “Is this what my life is meant to be? Separating my time between my husband and my friends?”), and even if he had agreed to having dinner with us on a later occasion during the week, it would not have meant as much.

I hope I’m explaining it in a way that makes sense. This is my secret tip for all the guys reading this: If your gf/SO wants you to do something, say YES first, and you might very well get a free pass later on when you want to say “No.” If you say “No” first, then your “Yes” later on might not have as much pull. It all comes back to first impressions.

To give an example, let’s say your significant other wants you to go to a family dinner on Friday and her friend’s birthday lunch on Saturday (you don’t know the friend, so why would you want to go?). Be enthusiastic about the family dinner when you agree to accompany her. That way, she’ll be in a better mood when you reject her invitation to her friend’s birthday lunch. If you were to flake out on the family and then agree to the friend’s lunch out of guilt, she’ll probably throw it in your face, sneering sarcastically, “Oh, NOW you’ll go?” Get the difference?

I know women can be confusing. Hopefully this is one less thing to be confused about.

Even within American relationships, people have different ways of expressing themselves. In an intercultural relationship with a Chinese guy, this is truer than ever. To be honest, I don’t like to talk about stuff like feelings and problems and how to solve those problems. When I’m upset, I would rather not talk about it and just let it ride out until I’m feeling better, which normally just takes a day. Sometimes only a few hours. But when cultural differences started to emerge (like him refusing to come to dinner with some of my acquaintances because he didn’t know them and I wasn’t that close to them anyway. Wouldn’t an American boyfriend go if his girlfriend asked him to?), I figured we should talk about them. Because that’s what we’re supposed to do. Talk it out.

Which is why it bothered me that most of the time, I did all the talking while Alex listened. On his end, he never had any issues to bring up with me. But I expected him to at least say something, anything, when we talked out our issues. At the end of the conversation, he’d say “Okay” and that was it. I had said my piece, yet still felt somewhat unsettled, as if the conversation wasn’t finished.

Over time, I started to notice that while Alex didn’t say a lot with words, he was communicating constantly with his actions. If I vented about how I was having a bad day, he’d take the time to cook and clean for me. He doesn’t tell me often how much he loves me, but he bought me gloves because he knows how cold my hands get in the winter. While he didn’t acknowledge my words with a response when I talked to him about certain issues, I noticed that he did things differently the next time around. Even in our daily communication, I’m more attuned now to the non-verbal cues. When we are out walking on the street and see something funny, it just takes one look at each other to convey our amusement. Sometimes we go an entire dinner without saying a word, but it’s completely comfortable. None of that awkward silence nonsense. And now, when I feel the need to talk to him about certain things that bother me, I no longer feel uncomfortable with his lack of response. I know that that’ll come later. I just need to keep my eye out for it.

I can fit into that dress.....can't I? (source: weddinginspirasi.com)

Living in China has brought on many “firsts.” First time negotiating rent (I didn’t know that was possible), first time eating a scorpion, first time peeing in a bucket for nearly a month (TMI? Oh well). But a “first” that I always expected to experience in the US was my first time trying on wedding dresses. This past Sunday, I spent the day with my friend Lisa in the “Wedding Mall” of Xidan, which has two floors of dress boutiques. It was definitely an interesting experience, and while I did not come away from it with a dress, what I got instead was a lower self-confidence about my body image.

When I entered the first store on the first floor, Lisa and I were asked to take off our shoes and put on slippers. Here’s a tip: wear socks when you go dress shopping in Beijing. Who knows how often they clean those slippers and how many others have worn them? I looked around the store, and liked a lot of the dresses. For the record, many young Chinese girls nowadays wear white Western-styled dresses for their ceremony and change into a traditional qipao for the reception. So yes, they sell Western-style wedding dresses in China. And probably have for years. Anyway, a lot of the ones I liked were in the trumpet/mermaid/sheath style. As I pointed to those dresses, the woman in the store told me not to bother trying them on, telling me, “Those styles are for skinny girls.”

Now, I’m pretty confident in how I look. I’ve accepted that I’m super undisciplined when it comes to working out, so I try to make up for it by eating healthier. I know that I’m not “skinny,” especially according to China’s standards (I’m about a size M here), and I’m okay with being average-sized. But I have still yet to get used to the bluntness of Chinese people. Mostly because when they say things like that, it’s awkward. The woman’s comment in the first store set the tone for the rest of the day. There were a few stores where I was allowed to try a skinny girl dress, but it did not help my already bruised ego when they announced, rather loudly, that they could not get the zipper up.

It was an educational experience, both in learning to handle blunt Chinese comments, and in seeing what’s out there – wedding dress-wise. I learned that a lot of the styles, at least at Xidan and the Wukesong wedding dress market, are very similar. As in, very poofy. When you first walk into a dress boutique, the first question posed is usually “Are you looking for a chiffon dress or a satin dress?” Next, they ask when the wedding is. For most of the boutiques in the Xidan Wedding Mall, the dress is made specifically for you according to your sizes, as opposed to buying the floor sample, which means that you need to order the dress at least 2-3 months in advance. Prices in the stores that I went to ranged from about $150-$2000USD.

Though trying on wedding dresses to the tune of straightforward comments about my body was not the most pleasant of experiences, it was quite enjoyable playing dress up. I’ve had a lot of fun in China pushing boundaries, so the next time a saleswoman says to me “That dress is for skinny girls,” I can’t wait to reply, “Then what are you waiting for? Let’s get it on me!” =D

Interview on life and love in China (photo from chinatravel.net)

I was recently interviewed as part of ChinaTravel.net’s China Blogger Spotlight series. Here is the intro as published on their website:

Keeping pace with the changing scenery of the Chinese blogosphere is no joke; here at the China Travel Blog, we do everything we can to keep our finger on the pulse, our boots on the pavement, and our slippers on the sidewalk, so that whenever a new face comes our way, we’re ready to pick their brains about their time in China. Enter Michelle Chu, and her blog My Beijing Survival Diary(you’ll need a VPN or proxy in China to get around the Great Firewall). Michelle posts regularly on life in Beijing, cross-cultural relationship and practical advice for foreigners living in China. >>>

Michelle first arrived in China to pursue a career in hospitality, but has since switched to digital media marketing. When we began our correspondence, she referred a few times to her boyfriend—the muse for her discussions on cross-cultural relationships (among other things, I imagine)—and I’d like to take this opportunity to congratulate the two of them on their recent engagement. I’ve never had such a good reason to go back and edit a story. Read on after the jump to hear Michelle’s thoughts on life, love and living in the People’s Republic.

Read the full interview here

The things you see in China.....

After chatting, laughing, and waiting for nearly 40 minutes downstairs, we decided to move upstairs. We waited by the escalators, and I decided to open their birthday gifts to me to pass the time. “Where is he?” I asked them. “Should I give him a call?” I called Alex, but there was no answer. So we continued chatting and laughing. And waiting. All of a sudden, coming up the escalator, I saw someone dressed in a full head-to-toe Winnie-the-Pooh costume, giant head and all. Winnie-the-Pooh was carrying a bouquet of about a hundred or more roses. Pretty much the biggest bouquet of roses I’ve ever seen. My heart stopped and my first thought was, “Is it…? No, it can’t be.” I waited for it to walk over to us, but it didn’t. Winnie-the-Pooh sauntered around the subway station (which was pretty empty, save for a few people and us), which, to be honest, threw me off a bit. A couple followed it, wanting to pose for pictures with the giant honey bear. “Quick!” I said to Lisa, “Take some pictures!” In true Chinese fashion, we whipped out our cameras and camera phones and zoomed in on Winnie-the-Pooh.

It walked closer to us, and Lisa handed me my camera. “Can you help me take a picture?” “Sure,” I said. After she took one, Echo wanted one as well. “Do you want one too?” Lisa asked me. Since I was now one year older and much more mature, I figured I didn’t need a picture with a character from a kids’ book. “No, its okay,” I told her. So it walked away. I turned to talk to Lisa again, and when I turned back, I saw Winnie-the-Pooh down on one knee. Holding the bouquet of roses out to me. At which point I finally realized what was happening. He took off his head (the bear head), made a short speech in Chinese, and asked me, “Ni yuan yi jia gei wo ma?” (“Will you marry me?” In Chinese. How hot is that?), to which I said “YES!” (otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this post)

Afterwards, Alex told us that he had to put the costume on in the subway on the way to Beitucheng station. Inside the subway car, people around him were cheering him on because they knew that he was about to propose. Two foreign girls who helped him to put on the costume were saying “Jia you!” and led the rest of the subway passengers in a round of applause. Just like in the movies =) In a city where everyone seems to just go about their own day without giving a thought to those around them, it was awesome to hear about strangers coming together to create such a positive atmosphere for one man’s special day.

Proposals aren’t really a part of Chinese culture, although they’re becoming more fashionable nowadays among the younger generation. But I was especially touched because Alex knew how much I wanted a real proposal, and a surprise one at that. Nothing fancy, mostly I just wanted him to ask me formally to be his wife. I used to joke with him that when it came to getting married, I only had two requirements: a proposal and a ring. And he gave me both, with the proposal going above and beyond anything I would’ve imagined. Yeah, I’d say I had a pretty good birthday this year.

Guess who?

Ni yuan yi jia gei wo ma?

Me and my fiance =D

I slowly put on my comfy down jacket. Then my thick gray gloves. Lastly, I pulled a beanie over my hair and ears. It was February, and still snowing outside. Rumi, the Japanese intern and my roommate at the hotel we both worked at, called to me from outside our shared room “Come on, Michelle! Let’s go eat!” It was the Thursday night of my first week at the hotel, and my second week in Beijing. I was going to eat with Rumi and two of her good friends, Echo and Lisa, who were also our co-workers. Part of me was excited that I was making new friends early on, and part of me was nervous because I still couldn’t speak a bit of Chinese besides “Xie xie.” What was I going to talk about all evening? As we walked around the corner to the nearby dumpling restaurant (because I was new in town, I HAD to eat dumplings, a Beijing specialty), the three girls chatted nonstop until we entered the heavily curtained door. Rumi had studied Chinese in school, so her Chinese was good enough to converse with Lisa and Echo, and her English was decent enough to be my translator for the night.

On my end, I spent a lot of the night listening to the conversation. But I never once felt uncomfortable. Nor did I feel left out. Echo and Lisa took turns asking me questions, and each time, I turned to Rumi to find out what they asked. It was the long route to a flowing conversation, but one that worked. The first type of dumplings arrived at our table. “These are pork and cabbage dumplings,” explained Echo, as she scooped them onto my plate. As the rest of the dishes arrived, including my now-favorite “sweet potato covered in caramelized toffee,” my new Chinese friends continued to serve me first, as I was a guest in their country.

The rest of the evening was spent eating, talking, and laughing. Often, I’d sit there smiling, although I really wasn’t sure what was going on. But it was nice. When it came time to pay the bill, they refused to let me pay. Echo said to me in English, “You are our guest. We pay for you.”

In the months to follow, they continued to treat me to meals, even after I insisted on treating them for a change. I remember countless “arguments” as Lisa pushed my money aside and said “No! You’re the guest here so we’ll treat you.” “But it’s been 5 months! I’m not a guest anymore,” I replied. Eventually they came to accept that I was here to stay and let me buy them dinner every now and then.

Almost three years later, Lisa and Echo have become my closest friends in Beijing. We still meet up at least once every two weeks, if not every week, for dinner. They’re the only ones who have known me since I couldn’t even communicate with them. In fact, I have to credit a lot of my early Chinese learning to them. Countless days were spent at work with my little notebook, asking them what ke ren (guest) or jiu dian (hotel) meant as Echo patiently spelled out the pinyin of each and every word for me. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be in Beijing, but I know I’ll have my two Chinese best friends here with me every step of the way.

Some American couples are so close they have their own language, even though it’s in English. Being in a cross-cultural relationship takes that to a literal level. I hardly notice anymore when a sentence spoken by my boyfriend or by myself is infused with a mix of English and Chinese words. An example would be just today when we were talking about dinner. I asked him, “Wo men hai you turkey ma? I can make pasta, but can you help me buy xi lan hua (broccoli)?” Being part of a bilingual couple is also useful in sensitive situations, where I don’t want the third party to understand what I’m saying.

I’ve been asked before if communication is a problem between my boyfriend and me. Honestly, between our own language skills, the English-Chinese dictionaries on our respective iPhones, and friends who speak both Chinese and English fluently (and therefore serve as occasional translators), it hasn’t been a huge issue in getting what we want to say across. However, when it comes to communicating about certain problems, I would say that I am definitely more vocal than my boyfriend is. This is probably because I’ve grown up in a culture where you’re supposed to “talk out” every single issue in the relationship.

Although I agree that people should communicate so as to understand the other person’s point of view, especially in a multi-cultural relationship, I don’t think it’s necessary to talk out every single problem. There are some, I’ve learned, that I’ve let be, and they never really came up again. My boyfriend is a simple guy, and has never really brought up any big issues that he has with me or my habits. I, on the other hand, tend to have a big “sit-down” talk with him when I’m unhappy about something. He listens to me, but it’s not a back and forth kind of conversation like I’d expect out of an American relationship. To be honest, that used to bother me as well, that we weren’t talking back and forth as much as he was just listening to me voice why I was upset. After time, I realized that even though he hadn’t participated much in the “talking out” of the issue, he had listened and was changing. That’s definitely an aspect of Chinese culture, where actions speak louder than words.

The bigger picture, and lesson, is that being in a multi-cultural relationship definitely calls for a need to adapt. I know that he doesn’t expect me to behave like a Chinese girl (and in fact, he’s grateful that I don’t text and call him 100 times a day demanding to know what he’s doing and with who…..just kidding, sorta), and I can’t expect him to behave like an American guy. Like our diverse language of love, our relationship is unique BECAUSE we’re from two different cultures, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.